Bad Choices
by kingtrace
Summary: Karkat finds himself thinking about suicide when he realizes that his life is an utter trainwreck. Before he takes the plunge, though, he thinks about how he got there and the people in his life that matter most.
1. Chapter 1

As soon as I walk through the door to my brother's shitty apartment, before I've even taken three steps across the crimson eyesore that is our carpet, I grab the flimsy looking chain and lock the door. I gasp then, surprised that I actually did it. The door was locked.

Right now you're probably thinking "wow, take a gold star, fuck head, you've managed to solve the ancient riddle know to humans across the eons as 'moving a small circle into a big circle. Seriously, you're my hero." But it wasn't about the door, not really. Also, fuck you.

No, what it really meant was that I was serious. Before the burst of reckless courage and the constant gnaw of self-loathing ebbed, I had to move. My coat I flung at the coat closet. Didn't figure I would need that where I was headed. The shoes I kept on. Let Kankri's speak in my start with "He tracked mud across our crappy little two-bedroom AND forgot to put his jacket away even though I told him not to every day, the little fuck."

That thought made me laugh, the sound bitter and pathetic. There, the hatred I felt for everything I was came back in full force. Fishing around in my pocket, I found my ticket out. A prescription bottle. Gamzee would probably feel like a piece of shit shat by the scummiest person alive when he found out I used these like this. Then he'd take a few of his own and forget about it.

Next, booze. Alright, not really booze. Kankri is way too much of a stickler to keep hard stuff in the house. But he does enjoy a glass or two of white trash wine with dinner, and hey, lucky me, this time he bought a bottle and not a box. Should make downing it way easier, since I fucking hate wine and the best chance I have of drinking too much is to chug it like a real party animal and never taste a drop.

Unscrewing the safety lid, which was obviously doing a damn fine job of keeping me safe, I poured a small army of white pills on to the polished wooden surface of the coffee table in the "lounge", which is what Kankri liked to call the living room when he was pretending his life didn't suck. I almost slammed the heavy green bottle onto the table for the shear dramatic effect, but that was childishly stupid and would probably break the bottle, so I set it down gently.

The next twenty minutes I was fully devoted to staring at the bottle and the pills, thinking about what it would be like to be dead. This was a waste of time, really, because as far as I was concerned being dead was basically the same as having never existed. So I was sitting there trying to imagine not being there to imagine. A high level mindfuck like that was doing nothing but causing my head to throb in an extremely disheartening way, because the purpose of all this was to stop hurting, not run my fried brain through the ringer again.

You know, I think I understand why so many people choose guns or a noose or a grenade for this. I have way too much time to think about it this way. If I want to die, which I do, I have to scoop a bunch of chalky white pills into my craw, pour glorified cough syrup down my throat, and swallow. Several times, most likely, since these aren't exactly the highest dosage pills or most concentrated beverages.

I start to think of what lead me here in the first place in an attempt to make it worth it. Nepeta comes to mind first, since she's likely going to be the one to find the body. She comes over here a lot, not every day but damn near close enough. Sometimes I wonder if she actually has her own house, even though I've been there. I've asked her before, usually as a horrible attempt at a joke, but generally she just gets confused and offended and wonders if I think she's clingy. Then I feel like an asshole, and then she thinks she's the reason I feel bad, and I don't fucking argue about that because she IS the reason I feel like an asshole, and it loops like that.

My mind went like that for a while, building up every petty grievance from mole hill to five-star motherfucking mole palace until mild irritation blossomed into full blown rage. My hands were shaky but in my angry haze I still managed to grab some painkillers. The space between them and my lips shorted with almost frightening speed. Right before I got them in there, I thought of Aradia.

Aradia being my best friend on days I was lying to myself.

Aradia being my second girlfriend on days I wasn't.

The whole mess that led here is slamming into my brain like a jackhammer breaking apart the tranquility of my soon to be suicide. Apparently a mental public works department needed to put in one more sewage line to make sure my mind city never had a shortage of bullshit. And why not? One last trip down memory lane should be enough to make me popping pills like an A-list celebrity.

So I let myself remember.

When I first met Aradia Megido, she punched me in the face.

Now, before I explain the more interesting portion of that sentence, I feel the need to clarify that it wasn't the first time I'd seen her, or the first time she stood out from the crowd. She was one of Nepeta's closest friends, so I even bothered to remember her name. It was just the first time that I'd deigned to come off my high horse and actually bother to look at her. Like, really look at her.

We were by the lockers, I remember that much. When I remember it, sometimes I think we were alone because everything is a fucking movie in when I recall it, because my life just wasn't good enough for my massive ego. There were definitely people around, because afterwards tons of people asked me what happened, and at that time I had no idea what had happened.

It was the last day before the summer, the end of a freshman year full of tears and disappointment for everyone. The school was throwing a god awful celebration, with food and games and all that, kind of like a fair if that fair was taking place in Hell. Worst of all was that it was mandatory, so I choked on my desire to leave for about 4 hours by talking to Sollux and Dave and Eridan. Hell, I even gave Vriska the time of day once or twice. Don't judge me, I was that bored.

I wanted to spend some time with Nepeta, because we were dating even way back then and at that point conversations with her were less like a trip to a dentist and more like the candy that sent you there in the first place, but she was nowhere to be seen. She loved to play games like that, liked to knock me down a peg or three by forcing me to admit I wanted to see her. I really liked that too, honestly, because the need to be better than the average human was something I hated about myself and she made me feel silly about it.

Anyway, it was like my third loop of the building and I found myself in a hallway with a busted light, so it was a little dim but not like "Oh my god, teachers can't see in here let's all make out!" dark. That's when Aradia showed up.

Her eyes were the first thing I noticed, because when I really take the time to stare at a person eyes are what I go to first. They were this strange shade of brown that was almost red, in a way. Rusty is probably the best word to describe that color. Also notable was that they were blazing with fury, all of it directed at me. Her pale skin was flushed, and her dark brown hair was mated around her eyes, meaning she was probably crying.

All of that information left me flabbergasted, so when I opened my mouth to explain my confusion to her what came out was scratchy growl of "What the fuck do you want?" Smooth, Karkat. Before you know it this whole misunderstanding will be sorted out if you keep laying out the honey like that.

She hardly blinked. Maybe she didn't even hear me speak, which wouldn't have surprised me given how worked up she was at the time. What did surprised me, though, is the question she spat at me, her voice hoarse from what I could only assume was a virtual deluge of crying. "Can I punch you?"

"What?" Again, my verbosity shined through.

"I hate you," she muttered, her tone dark. She didn't want to explain herself and seemed to get more irritated that I had the audacity to ask her why she wanted to bury her fist into my body. "You ruined everything, and now I want to hit you. Se let me."

The strangest mixture of pity, confusion, depression, anger, self-directed anger, and defensiveness swept over me. I wanted to say thousands of things. My brain was having a huge debate with thousands of candidates submitting ideas.

"Say 'no'!" screamed logical Karkat.

"Ask her why," curious Karkat supplied.

"Punch her!" Whoa, plot twist suggestion from furious Karkat.

"Fine, go ahead," said the Karkat that hated himself. The Karkat that knew that somehow, he'd earned a beating. The one that probably would punch himself if he wasn't so much of a wimp. It took less than a second to realize that Karkat was me, and that those words had already left my lips.

She looked shocked, probably because I just said it was okay to being pummeling me at her earliest convenience. She swallowed that impressively quickly and responded with a hasty "Face?"

Didn't really need to ask what that meant. I nodded once, closed my eyes, and got smacked down for what must've been the better part of ten minutes.

Next thing I remember, Sollux was pulling me off the ground, Aradia vanished into the dingy hallway, and Strider was leaning against the lockers, laughing his ass off. I flipped him the bird, he laughed harder. I sighed and got up. "Oh yeah, Strider, it's real fucking funny. Don't you just love it when your friends get beat up?"

"I didn't realize it until just now, but yes. My friends getting beaten up with one of my new hobbies, it's a borderline fetish," He gave a shit-eating smirk that made me want to experience the apparently near sexual thrill of seeing my classmate beaten, but I didn't say anything because he would just make me look like a moron. He was good at that.

"Dude, what the hell juth happened?" Sollux said, also sporting a cocky half-grin. The halves were probably half amused and half concerned, so I gave a weak shrug to let him know that I didn't care, and like a good friend should he let it drop. It only took the rest of the day for Dave to shut up about it, but at least it made the time fly.

Half an hour later, the bored students were unleashed upon an unprepared world and I hardly remembered that anything had happened, except for when the bruises started to throb and I was wondering why I'd let myself get pulverized for nothing.

Two blocks from the school, I was attacked for the second time that day. A figure appeared just barely in my line of sight, and before I even had time to think about it I was on the ground, pinned to the dirt and grass that lined the side walk by a familiar face.

The ratty blue hat she'd made herself was the first thing I saw, because I'd seen her blue eyes about twenty thousand times and was thus allowed to glance elsewhere according to rules I made myself. It was supposed to look like her cat, but I always thought it looked like a blue bear and nothing like the fat tabby it was made in the likeness of. She was giggling, because she always was giggling, and I took the time she wasn't really pay attention to bury my fingers into her sides with playful malice.

The giggles became laughter as she tried to pry my hands away "Okay, okay, stop!" she managed to gasp out, and in my boundless mercy I did. She pouted for just a moment, then smiled brightly. "I got you, Karkitty!" Pride might as well have been tattooed on her forehead. "You really need to be on the lookout for dangerous predators in the wild this time of year."

I rolled my eyes and pushed her off, which made her start laughing again. That was just the kind of person Nepeta was. Chances are good I could've thrown my backpack into her face and she would've found a way to make that into a joke.

I let her catch her breath before I let my inner asshole take over. "Where the fuck were you all day?" I grumbled ,trying to sound pissed even though there was no way she'd believe I was pissed. "Thanks to you I had to spend pretty much all day with Strider and Captor. Except for the parts where I was talking to Vriska." I made it sound like it wasn't a big deal to make it seem like a big deal, because communicated is a very strange thing, and I pity people who try to learn more than one language for this reason.

She let out a play gasp, meaning I'd failed to make it seem like a big deal by acting like it wasn't, so I continued.

"It was totally awful and you should feel bad you left me to starve in a social desert without so much as a spare text to get me the bear amount of nourishment I need to survive four hours of directionless school mingling." She didn't respond, waiting patiently for me to finish ranting. I let out an exaggerated sigh and mumbled "So where were you?"

I wish I had a stop watch, because I want to know how fast I can accidentally make a conversation go from fun to awkward. All the excitement that basically was Nepeta had dispersed and now it's my turn to wait as she looks away from me.

She gathered herself over a few minutes, took a deep breath, the started talking. "So, uh, I spent all day trying to furgure out how to tell you something furry important," she said it nervously, chewing on her lip and twirling a piece of her hair in a way that would normally be cute, but the way she did it looked so frazzled and depressing I had to speak up.

"Just say it."

Her eyes glassed over with tears, then she exhaled her statement so softly I almost pretended I hadn't heard what she said. I knew what it was, though, and I almost started crying myself.

"Karkitty, I'm moving."


	2. Chapter 2

Like I said before, when I look back on my life, everything is much more like a movie than anything in the real world would ever be. For example, when Nep said she was moving, I imagine that it was freezing as the 9th circle, sometimes with a drizzle for dramatic effect. It was the start of summer, though, so it most certainly wasn't cold. Maybe it was raining, I don't know. I doubt it, though, since I wasn't pissed off and covered in mud at any point. Fuck it. Anyway, I felt like shit, and I'm not particularly good at talking even when was in the best of moods, so all I could think to say was "What the fuck do you mean 'moving'?" like I couldn't figure that one out all by myself.

She didn't call me out for it, though. She was never that kind of girl. "So, you remember my dad, right?" She whimpered the words in such a way that made it sound like the phrase was broken glass cutting its way out of her throat.

"Yeah, I remember," I confirmed, for once managing to keep my words polite and my tone level. To be honest, the thought of that made me more depressed than angry for once. Her dad died last year, the victim of lung cancer caused by working with exposed asbestos during his time with the navy. I'd never actually met him, and only saw him once in passing. Nepeta wanted us to meet when the stars were aligned or some shit to make sure our meeting went off without a hitch, but cancer had other plans so the first time we met was on his way in the ground, surrounded by friends and family and one stranger who was doing his damn best to look like he gave a shit and not like he was some young punk who didn't belong there.

"Well, the custody papurrs are finally done," her voice still quivering but finding a middle ground between content and wildly sobbing, for which I will be eternally grateful. I hate when people cry. It makes me feel like I have to do something to make it better, but I'm a sack of shit and only ever make it worse. "Mewlin's going to be the one that gets me. Her and Purrloz."

She didn't need to say anymore. I knew that Meulin lived a three hour drive away, in the big city, not the middle of nowhere. I knew that there was only two other people that could even fight for custody. Her mom was a huge asshole and her other sibling was a drunk loser, so I didn't even really want her to be with them, even though they both lived in town. That wouldn't stop me from boiling over in a rage, though. I stomped around growling like a fucking moron, shouting at the top of my lungs. "Well, that's fucking horseshit! Why the fuck does SHE get you? Your brother isn't that bad! And somebody should fucking take five seconds to think about your life, but NOOO! Meulin and her big city job and her doucheclown husband matter so much more than you and your friends and…"

I stopped before I could say "me". In my head it was always about me, really, but sometimes I feel like it should be about other people. I'm a fucking saint, aren't I? Suddenly I felt the need to break something, so I fished around in my pocket for a pencil, stabbed myself on the motherfucker, and responded by breaking it in half with a shout of primal rage. Nepeta, who had been watched me stampede across the sidewalk for the better part of five minutes now, broke into a steady stream of titters, and I blushed and did my best to hold steady. I took a deep breath. "So, when are you going?"

"I dunno," she said as her shoulders rose up dramatically, playing up a shrug until it looked more like she was trying to escape her clothes than express unsureness. That made me smile, just a little bit, but she didn't seem to notice and continued on. "No one really tells me anything right now. They purrobably think I'm too childish to handle it."

"_Well, no shit_." I nearly said, my lips poised to commit relationship murder. I managed to choke it back at the last sentence. It may be obvious to me, you, and anyone else that a short, giggly, hyper girl committed to making herself appear to be a cat isn't exactly a bastion of maturity, but she never wanted to here that. People calling her a kid meant they didn't care enough to notice her for who she was, and I was doing my damndest to avoid landing myself on the list of huge pricks. At least in the eyes of this one girl, I didn't want to be a fuck up.

A sharp gasp brought me out of my reflection/pity party. "Karkitty, you have bruises all over your face!"

She couldn't have really just now bothered to take note of those. I felt myself getting snippy "Did you seriously just notice those now? What, did you think that Gamzee finally managed to convince me to try makeup and the look we decided on was 'domestic abuse victim?' Oh yeah, giant purple welts are so totally me, I don't know why we didn't think of it earlier." It all came out sharp. Way too sharp. Next time I saw my therapist I was going to have to bitch some more about how she still hadn't cured my chronic ailment, the ailment in question being strong urges to shove my own foot in my mouth.

To her credit, Nep didn't even care that I'd just snapped at her. Her deep blue eyes stared into my freakish red ones, occasionally darting around to survey to swollen skin. Suddenly I realized just how close her face was, and wondered if she didn't realize it herself. "Does it hurt?" She whispered, her voice sounding very small and very concerned and oh so sweet. So sweet that I didn't even want to waste time responding. I shook my head so slightly she might not have even noticed, then leaned in and kissed her.

The first thing did was squeal, then her face heated up so much that even with my eyes closed I knew she was blushing furiously. After that, she melted and kissed me back. Nepeta wasn't the best kisser, but I've only kissed one other person before her so I doubt I was much better. And the moment was so perfect, I couldn't NOT kiss her.

After forever she pushed me away firmly. "Hey, no fur-air. You didn't answer me."

"I'm fine," I groaned. "Your home girl Aradia decided to finally introduce herself. I got to hand it to her, she really put her best fist forward. Several times."

"She what?!" Nepeta gasped, her hand shooting up to cover her mouth like she was in anime.

"Hit me. In the face."  
>"Aradia just came up and started hitting your furace?"<p>

"Well, not really. She asked befur she started," I clarified. She smiled, and I felt like ripping my tongue out and beheading the traitor. "Motherfuck, BEFORE. Prior to. God fucking damn it, stop punning at me, it's contagious."

"No."

"Fuck you."

She laughed like I'd told a joke or something, then gathered herself and continued. "So, she asked befur she hit you? And you just said 'Yeah, go ahead'?"

"Look, if you haven't noticed, I'm fucking family sized bag of shit. I figured I probably pissed her off without realizing it and probably deserved to get punched a few times." I shrugged.

Her hand cupped around her chin as she thought. It looked completely silly, her olive green trench coat combined with the gesture made her look like someone was cosplaying Sherlock Holmes if he was a weeaboo. "Hmm.."

"What the hell are you doing?"

"Thinking, Karkat! Have you nefur seen anyone do the chin thing before?"

I sighed deeply and pinched the bridge of my nose. "Firstly, the chin thing is stupid and no one does that in real life. Secondly, what are you thinking about?"

"Aradia. We were talking about some top secret purrsonal stuff earlier, and I didn't know how she was going to handle it."

Her eyes were stone cold, her face serious. When she was like that, "top secret" meant "if you ask me about it you can go fuck yourself". I knew better than to poke at that bee's nest, so I let it drop, as mind-blowingly irritating as that was. "So, what do you want to do today?" I asked sheepishly. I felt like I sounded creepy, but I needed to change the subject.

Nepeta's disposition took a leap towards the sunshiney. Stars danced in her eyes as she blabbered excitedly about this plan and that plan. Some were mundane, like going back to Kankri's apartment and chilling out, watching TV and playing videos. Others were stupid, like going fishing even though neither of us had a license or a rod. I let her talk for a while, because even though the chatter was endless and incredibly stupid, it was still much better than facing the fact that a time would come I wouldn't hear it every day.

I never heard her decided where we were going, but she took my hand and dragged me along. I went grumpily, but happily.

I didn't want these days to end.


End file.
